Pacing down the hill I look around me, noticing that what was once a recognised walk is now changing almost before my eyes. The only part that has stayed the same is the gravel which kicks along the surface of the pavement.
As I near the end of the road I search for the bus stop, checking off another checkpoint on the imaginary map inside my head. Walking past the bus stop with the aggregate crumbling underneath my feet I check the time. Tick tock. Tick tock. The noise resounding in my head seems so vacant, as if something had to fill this time.
Passing the flats in which my brother lives i look up to the window half expecting him to be gazing out, followed by a nod or wave. Instead what I see is something from the worst nightmare hell could ever conjure up, one of my brothers plastered across the wall in blood and gore.
Sharp. Sudden. Immediately.
The best feeling in the world struck me. I was dreaming, i woke up from hell. I resented myself for letting my mind do this to me. I had been dreaming but that only opened up more questions and worries, could it happen? Will it happen?
Not sure this entirely fits the task of making a normal journey sound dramatic - unless this happens a lot, in which case you have my sympathies. Try to avoid any endings based around the idea of "and then I woke up and it was all a dream"
ReplyDeleteYou have a really sense of drama here and your comnplex early descriptions do a great job of setting up a feeling of unease.
Keep an eye out for repeated phrases by reading back over your work. We all do it - having just used a word it's at the front of our minds when we're next searching for the right word, forgetting that it's only there because we've already used it. Multiple mentions of time next to each other were a little clunky. Be careful with things like "Tick tock" because literal sound descriptions have a certain childlike quality to them which I'm not sure you were aiming for.
Enjoyable writing although I'm going to imagine it without the last paragraph.